january

the days are short
or should be short

but instead they are long
because they don't end with the sun

they bleed into night
grey to black
muting the colors of the world.

the vibrancy of fall fades in my memory,
as does the warmth of summer
or the hope of spring.

vibrancy
warmth
hope.
January.

one of these words doesn't belong.

January
January
january
january
january

color muted into grey
the sun is no longer close enough for warmth
the hope of spring is frozen,
unseen,
and distant in memory.

It is January.
And if it was August, it would still be January in my soul.

but I will try not to be afraid.

it may be cold
and dreary,
ordinary
and mundane.

I guess January must take place for spring to come.
the ground must be barren in oder that hope may bloom.

looking for hope in the whirlwind

I feel very disoriented this holiday season.
I just got home after finishing my first semester of college,
which has been flooded with too many things to ever explain in 60 seconds.

I'm thankful to be home, but it's hard to be home.
School is so good, but it's also so exhausting.
My heart is full, yet completely empty.

I decided to take 20 walks/hikes while I'm home for this (almost) month, in hopes of reorienting my mind+heart.

I don't know if I need to be feeling more or less.
I know know if I need to talk or be quiet.
I don't know how I can focus on the gift of Christmas, when my prayers feel... scattered.

So I'm looking for Jesus in the confusion.
I'm looking for hope in the whirlwind.

the thing about grief...

greif cannot be scheduled.

it cares not about location 

time

convenience.

it isn't pretty
quiet
or peaceful

greif is waves
raindrops
oceans

it's long showers
piles of blankets
and not enough oxygen

greif.
doesn't.
stop.
hurting.

tomorrow needs you

hi there friend.

it's been rough going for a while now.
you've been fighting away the darkness.
you're trying to swim to the top.

but you're tired.

you're sick of feeling invisible.
you hate the empty chit-chat and busy work that fills your days.
you feel like there is no end in sight.


that pain you feel is real.
but so is this truth:
tomorrow needs you.

tomorrow needs you:
your eyes,
your humor,
your friendship,
your dreams,
and your ability to be a life-changer for another.

friend, I know you feel like tomorrow would be better without you.
but it won't. 

you think your family and friends are tired of dealing with you.
but they want more chances to love you. 

your mind whispers that no one will notice if you're gone-
but that, might be the biggest lie of all. 

Tomorrow, you will fill a place only you can fill.

Tomorrow, you will notice the same sad smile in another human- and only you can see that.

Tomorrow, you might feel like you're invisible, but you're not.

Tomorrow, you'll find another struggling soul to join hands with, remembering that you are not alone.

So please.
please.

give tomorrow a chance.
because tomorrow needs you.

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this week is National Suicide Prevention Week. Please take a moment to spread hope, vulnerability and encouragement; the world needs it. 

and if you're struggling, you are not alone!! 1-800-273-8255 is a safe, free and confidential resource. please give them a call!