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the thing about grief...



greif cannot be scheduled.
it cares not about location 
time
convenience.

it isn't pretty
quiet
or peaceful

greif is waves
raindrops
oceans

it's long showers
piles of blankets
and not enough oxygen

greif.
doesn't.
stop.
hurting.




homesick


hey friends.

Thanks for so patiently waiting through my unexpected month-long blogging break.

As many of you know, in August I moved across the country to attend university. It's been a big change, and has (and will continue) to stretch me in ways I could never imagine. Things are going well, and I'm so so thankful to be here! Yet as these past months have been full of transition, I've found it hard to muster up enough courage to be vulnerable on the internet.

BUT.

God is so good! He is filling my heart and mind with so many things, and I still believe that being honest in the good AND bad is where authentic relationships and community live.

thussss, I'm here to tell you something.

I'm homesick.

The anniversary of my sweet friend's death was last week.
My sister's birthday was Sunday.
I got a concussion two days ago and I feel terrible.
I want nothing more then to go home and let people take care of me.

I miss the trees, the ocean, the coffee, my dog, and a whole town full of houses belonging to people I love.

My heart and my head hurt.

I want to be home like everyone else during this fall-break weekend, instead of sleeping in a empty dorm.

But God shows up each morning.

He's in the physical things that remind me I am loved.

He's in caring professors that believe in me.

He's in warm cups of coffee.

He's in the dance studio at 11pm.

He's in tearful conversations with new friends.

He's in the people that love like Jesus- full of compassion, grace, and empathy.

He doesn't. Stop. Showing. Up.


So my prayer for you is that in the midst of whatever homesickness you face- homesick for a place, a relationship, or our eternal home- that you will find Jesus throughout your day.


tomorrow needs you


hi there friend.

it's been rough going for a while now.
you've been fighting away the darkness.
you're trying to swim to the top.

but you're tired.

you're sick of feeling invisible.
you hate the empty chit-chat and busy work that fills your days.
you feel like there is no end in sight.


that pain you feel is real.
but so is this truth:
tomorrow needs you.

tomorrow needs you:
your eyes,
your humor,
your friendship,
your dreams,
and your ability to be a life-changer for another.

friend, I know you feel like tomorrow would be better without you.
but it won't. 

you think your family and friends are tired of dealing with you.
but they want more chances to love you. 

your mind whispers that no one will notice if you're gone-
but that, might be the biggest lie of all. 

Tomorrow, you will fill a place only you can fill.

Tomorrow, you will notice the same sad smile in another human- and only you can see that.

Tomorrow, you might feel like you're invisible, but you're not.

Tomorrow, you'll find another struggling soul to join hands with, remembering that you are not alone.

So please.
please.

give tomorrow a chance.
because tomorrow needs you.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
this week is National Suicide Prevention Week. Please take a moment to spread hope, vulnerability and encouragement; the world needs it. 
and if you're struggling, you are not alone!! 1-800-273-8255 is a safe, free and confidential resource. please give them a call! 

sweet dreams


sweet girl tucked in bed,
dreaming dreams bigger then the moon.

you play the games in your head-
constant scripts, constant timelines of this life you'll lead.

you dream and dream,
night after night these dreams saturating the innermost part of your heart.

yet the world told you no.
money told you no.
friends told you no.
your body told you no.
media told you no.
your situation told you no.


so you shove these things down, for those late nights painting in the darkness of your imagination.
they are beautiful,
incredible,
impossible
dreams.


sweet girl, find those desires you once hid.
take them out and hold them to the light.

where are they?
have they evolved?
do they still sing their song of sweetness and beauty?

feel them.
taste them.
and pray over them, without fear and doubt present.

chase those dreams my friend.
find the songs of your heart, and don't be ashamed to sing them.

alone in a crowd


have you ever been somewhere so full of intelligent, competent, sociable people,
that you feel like you have nothing to contribute?

have you ever felt alone in a sea of bodies,
wondering if friends are out there?

yeah.
me too.
it's a lonely, vulnerable place to be.

but the thing about this place full of people,
is that God provides.

He gently reminds us we are qualified to be where we have been called

He guides us to those painful memories, gently whispering that no one else can tell our story

He walks into the new, unknown, unexpected moments filling us with the peace that passes all understanding

I'm learning that when we ask,
God will give us our daily bread,
not leaving us alone in a crowd.  

flying into unknown


Right now I sit on an airplane, leaving my home and community to attend university across the country. 
The plane is bumpy, and I know my future might be also, contrary to what I’d like to believe. 

My heart aches thinking about the community I leave behind, and my family that will fly back in a few days. 

But I leave full of confidence, knowing God has called me to this school, and I rest in the truth that he controls the unknown. 

I remember my identity is not found in the things of this earth, but in Jesus Christ and his death and resurrection. 

And I pray that I would be filled with all strength, courage, and peace as I fly into the clouds, not sure what the ground looks like

A tear filled prayer


Oh Lord oh Lord 
I cry from the depths of my being, 
A full, deep, hollowing pain. 
Oh Lord how my soul hurts 

I weep. 
I weep at the sadness and depression that overtook another life. 
I weep for the pain and despair that must have been felt. 
I weep. 

Suicide took a 16 year old girl last week.
Lies prevailed. 
Shock has left its origin and began to ripple about our town. 
And we cry out,

“Oh Lord, be near in the darkness. 
Be our anchor in this wind. 
Teach us that beauty will rise from ashes. 

For you are the only comfort this world has to offer. 
You are the hope that is unseen. 
You wrote the end of the story. 

So Jesus, please be near in the wake of this incomprehensible trauma. 
Cover your world in peace. 
And write your story across our very beings.’

Amen.