hike 4

Today I took my forth hike, out of twenty.

things you should know about hike four:

I stalled until it was about to get dark /
I did this by laying in my bed, thinking about what an unmotivated person I am, and how I'm never going to take twenty hikes /
At the beginning of my hiking conquest I decided a walk by my house down by the water would count because:
     a) it's nature-y
     b) I don't want to always have to drive somewhere

thoughts from hike 4:

Getting out of bed is the hardest part
Wear your ugly clothes: it literally doesn't matter
If you feel disgusting, wear a hat so no one will recognize you
Listen to music or a podcast if you don't feel like being 100% silent
There are a lot of interesting things to look at that you don't notice simply driving by
Sometimes all God requires is that we be obedient, and keep putting one foot in front of the other

looking for hope in the whirlwind

I feel very disoriented this holiday season.
I just got home after finishing my first semester of college,
which has been flooded with too many things to ever explain in 60 seconds.

I'm thankful to be home, but it's hard to be home.
School is so good, but it's also so exhausting.
My heart is full, yet completely empty.

I decided to take 20 walks/hikes while I'm home for this (almost) month, in hopes of reorienting my mind+heart.

I don't know if I need to be feeling more or less.
I know know if I need to talk or be quiet.
I don't know how I can focus on the gift of Christmas, when my prayers feel... scattered.

So I'm looking for Jesus in the confusion.
I'm looking for hope in the whirlwind.

I see you growing

I'm proud of you
for the way you keep fighting.

the way you ask questions
searching for truth.

and when you don't like the answers,
you keep fighting anyway.

and I want you to know,
it's okay if your fight feels frustrating
and repetitive
and pointless
and disheartening.

because I see you growing.

I see you trying to breathe,
trying to find Jesus,
and trying to make sense of the senseless.

I see you waking up
and showing up,
even when you want to run.

And I'm proud.
I'm proud of the way you're fighting to grow.

I choose.

I feel my way through life.

Feel feel feel. 

And lately, it has felt like there are a lot of feelings in which I have no control over. 

But I'm choosing to keep feeling. 

I'm sad about a friend.

But I choose to feel happy about today's snow. 

I'm overwhelmed by my school work.

But I choose to be thankful for my short trip home over Thanksgiving break. 

I'm fighting a cold.

But I choose to feel proud about my growth as a dancer this semester. 

I choose to feel. 

I choose.

I choose. 

I choose to feel every positive emotion I possibly can, because in a world of hard emotions, it's hard to choose not too. 

dark colors

why must the dark colors get used.

why do we see him show up in the aftermath, but not the event.

if is God one-hundred percent good.

and black breaks his heart as much as it breaks ours.

why does God insist on using dark colors

the thing about grief...

greif cannot be scheduled.

it cares not about location 

time

convenience.

it isn't pretty
quiet
or peaceful

greif is waves
raindrops
oceans

it's long showers
piles of blankets
and not enough oxygen

greif.
doesn't.
stop.
hurting.

homesick

hey friends.

Thanks for so patiently waiting through my unexpected month-long blogging break.

As many of you know, in August I moved across the country to attend university. It's been a big change, and has (and will continue) to stretch me in ways I could never imagine. Things are going well, and I'm so so thankful to be here! Yet as these past months have been full of transition, I've found it hard to muster up enough courage to be vulnerable on the internet.

BUT.

God is so good! He is filling my heart and mind with so many things, and I still believe that being honest in the good AND bad is where authentic relationships and community live.

thussss, I'm here to tell you something.

I'm homesick.

The anniversary of my sweet friend's death was last week.
My sister's birthday was Sunday.
I got a concussion two days ago and I feel terrible.
I want nothing more then to go home and let people take care of me.

I miss the trees, the ocean, the coffee, my dog, and a whole town full of houses belonging to people I love.

My heart and my head hurt.

I want to be home like everyone else during this fall-break weekend, instead of sleeping in a empty dorm.

But God shows up each morning.

He's in the physical things that remind me I am loved.

He's in caring professors that believe in me.

He's in warm cups of coffee.

He's in the dance studio at 11pm.

He's in tearful conversations with new friends.

He's in the people that love like Jesus- full of compassion, grace, and empathy.

He doesn't. Stop. Showing. Up.


So my prayer for you is that in the midst of whatever homesickness you face- homesick for a place, a relationship, or our eternal home- that you will find Jesus throughout your day.

tomorrow needs you

hi there friend.

it's been rough going for a while now.
you've been fighting away the darkness.
you're trying to swim to the top.

but you're tired.

you're sick of feeling invisible.
you hate the empty chit-chat and busy work that fills your days.
you feel like there is no end in sight.


that pain you feel is real.
but so is this truth:
tomorrow needs you.

tomorrow needs you:
your eyes,
your humor,
your friendship,
your dreams,
and your ability to be a life-changer for another.

friend, I know you feel like tomorrow would be better without you.
but it won't. 

you think your family and friends are tired of dealing with you.
but they want more chances to love you. 

your mind whispers that no one will notice if you're gone-
but that, might be the biggest lie of all. 

Tomorrow, you will fill a place only you can fill.

Tomorrow, you will notice the same sad smile in another human- and only you can see that.

Tomorrow, you might feel like you're invisible, but you're not.

Tomorrow, you'll find another struggling soul to join hands with, remembering that you are not alone.

So please.
please.

give tomorrow a chance.
because tomorrow needs you.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

this week is National Suicide Prevention Week. Please take a moment to spread hope, vulnerability and encouragement; the world needs it. 

and if you're struggling, you are not alone!! 1-800-273-8255 is a safe, free and confidential resource. please give them a call! 

sweet dreams

sweet girl tucked in bed,
dreaming dreams bigger then the moon.

you play the games in your head-
constant scripts, constant timelines of this life you'll lead.

you dream and dream,
night after night these dreams saturating the innermost part of your heart.

yet the world told you no.
money told you no.
friends told you no.
your body told you no.
media told you no.
your situation told you no.


so you shove these things down, for those late nights painting in the darkness of your imagination.
they are beautiful,
incredible,
impossible
dreams.


sweet girl, find those desires you once hid.
take them out and hold them to the light.

where are they?
have they evolved?
do they still sing their song of sweetness and beauty?

feel them.
taste them.
and pray over them, without fear and doubt present.

chase those dreams my friend.
find the songs of your heart, and don't be ashamed to sing them.

alone in a crowd

have you ever been somewhere so full of intelligent, competent, sociable people,
that you feel like you have nothing to contribute?

have you ever felt alone in a sea of bodies,
wondering if friends are out there?

yeah.
me too.
it's a lonely, vulnerable place to be.

but the thing about this place full of people,
is that God provides.

He gently reminds us we are qualified to be where we have been called

He guides us to those painful memories, gently whispering that no one else can tell our story

He walks into the new, unknown, unexpected moments filling us with the peace that passes all understanding

I'm learning that when we ask,
God will give us our daily bread,
not leaving us alone in a crowd.  

flying into unknown

Right now I sit on an airplane, leaving my home and community to attend university across the country. 

The plane is bumpy, and I know my future might be also, contrary to what I’d like to believe. 

My heart aches thinking about the community I leave behind, and my family that will fly back in a few days. 

But I leave full of confidence, knowing God has called me to this school, and I rest in the truth that he controls the unknown. 

I remember my identity is not found in the things of this earth, but in Jesus Christ and his death and resurrection. 

And I pray that I would be filled with all strength, courage, and peace as I fly into the clouds, not sure what the ground looks like

A tear filled prayer

Oh Lord oh Lord 

I cry from the depths of my being, 

A full, deep, hollowing pain. 

Oh Lord how my soul hurts 

I weep. 

I weep at the sadness and depression that overtook another life. 

I weep for the pain and despair that must have been felt. 

I weep. 

Suicide took a 16 year old girl last week.

Lies prevailed. 

Shock has left its origin and began to ripple about our town. 

And we cry out,

“Oh Lord, be near in the darkness. 

Be our anchor in this wind. 

Teach us that beauty will rise from ashes. 

For you are the only comfort this world has to offer. 

You are the hope that is unseen. 

You wrote the end of the story. 

So Jesus, please be near in the wake of this incomprehensible trauma. 

Cover your world in peace. 

And write your story across our very beings.’

Amen.  

coffee, truth and safe people

this week was emotionally overwhelming for no apparent reason.
nothing bad or weird happened.
the weather was nice.

but my heart was overwhelmed.
I was wanting one answer to the 17-open tabs in my head.
I was spinning through the same circle of confusion, guilt, and sadness.

So I texted a friend.
A dear, sweet, funny, real mentor.
I sat on her porch and we sipped coffee and ate avocado toast.

I don't really know what I said.
or where I started,
or if the words even fit together.

Yet she listened.
She let time pass before responding.
And she spoke truth.

She proved herself to be safe once again.


And I left not fixed,
but encouraged to seek truth in all the open tabs.
And it felt so, so good to share whatever silly story I told.


So now I sit here thinking about you.
I worry that you don't have safe people to share coffee and tears.
I remember we are not meant to process life alone.

So I encourage you:
find a person or two.
A dear, sweet, funny mentor.
Sip coffee and tell the stories of your heart.
And understand the truth: WE ARE NOT MEANT TO PROCESS LIFE ALONE

the next right step

I was confused,
scared,
and stressed.

And I remember someone gave me some really wise advice when I was in the throws of college applications/ auditions.

" Elissa, God doesn't call us to be obedient 5 steps ahead. He asks us to be obedient in the step directly ahead of us. 

So don't worry about 6-months out- worry about the step directly ahead of you." 

I cannot tell you how much comfort this gave me, as so often I find myself wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

I wonder how all these dreams are going to work out.
I wonder if it's my own selfish desire to pursue dance, or if it really is a God given passion.
I wonder if I'm making a big mistake.

But those questions, those worries?
I think the answers will come quite a few steps down the road.

So I have to consciously choose not to get caught up in the mind-trap of worry.
I have to remind myself to be prayerful in the next step, knowing that God goes ahead. 


And I encourage you to do the same.
pray about your dreams!
pray about your fears!
and seek to be obedient in the choice directly ahead. 

well hello!

hi!

I'm Elissa, and I'm so glad you decided to check out my little place on the internet! 

A few things about me:

 I have 3 siblings; one older sister (second from right), one little sis and our baby brother.

 They're pretty cool. 

Except when they take my stuff. 

I really like to dance- tap, jazz, ballet, modern + musical theatre. 

In fact, I'm about to move across the country to chase this beautiful, crazy, God-given dream of dancing professionally.

I like hot coffee and carbs. 

My heart seeks authentic community. 

Jesus is my identity. 

And I'm really, really glad you're here.

please take a moment to tell me a little bit about yourself in the comments below! 

still summer nights

The bed is warm and the air in my room is thick.
The lotion I just slathered on tries to keep me cool, but I fight the heat as I crawl atop my bed.
The day comes to a close.

No more words to be said aloud.
No more makeup or hairdos or bras.
No more.

Just silence.
Just faint noises of a road.
Just me and the man upstairs.

I pull out my journal and devotional, ready to pray.
I look forward to this time of writing in illegible handwriting with the occasional explicit.
I like the honesty.

Today was rather shallow on my part.
Today contained dance, work and the gym.
Today felt insignificant.

But as I lay in this hot, dark room,
I can't help but realize that every day contains wonder.
Every day contains chances to grow.
And no matter what, as we crawl into our humid sheets, he loves us the same.

Today and tomorrow.
Forever and always.

walking

I took a walk today.

It was grey outside and I didn't want to move.
I didn't have the right shoes.
It was kinda cold

blah blah blah.

But my arms started swinging and the air,
crisp,
fresh,
clean,
salty
air.

The air didn't have answers regarding the lack of sun (or warmth, for that matter)
It didn't reply to my complaints.
It simply existed as I experienced it.

And I wonder,
why must things be sunny in order to be good?

why must our lives seem 'good' in order to understand the truth that God is good?

So as I walk, I will practice.

In all things,
in all weather,
in all moments-
God is God.
And he is good.